Are you already in the holiday spirit? That probably means you’ll be looking for something Christmassy to watch. Do yourself a favor and watch some of the good Christmas movies… because you’ll want to avoid these ones.
Ernest Saves Christmas
The third film of the Ernest dynasty is a real gem. Ernest P. Worrell acts as a taxi driver for Santa Clause, but through hijinks abound has to find a replacement. We’re not hating on Ernest, we’re just not liking this movie.
Jingle All The Way
The Governator and Sin-bad star as two dads hellbent on buying their kids the top action figure for Christmas. They spread the message that consumerism and corporate values rule the season. That’s not why we didn’t like it though. It’s mainly the little kids screaming for that annoying Turbo Man toy.
Ben Affleck stars as an ex-con who starts a romance with Charlize Theron. She eventually double-crosses our buddy Ben who in-turn is forced to rob a casino alongside Gary Sinise. Somehow through all of this Ben Afleck learns the true meaning of Christmas.
Another Ben Affleck Christmas atrocity. He stars as an annoying rich person who hires a suburban family to pretend to be his own family for the holidays. As the plot progresses, the hired family starts to hate Affleck, but who doesn’t already? OK, we admit that we liked The Town.
Silent Night, Deadly Night
This is the prime example of a movie solely created to exploit the Christmas holiday in a slasher/horror style. The story revolves around an orphan (Robert Brian Wilson) who at a young age was traumatized by watching his parent’s death at the hands of a Santa-suit wearing criminal. Following by example, as he ages, the orphan goes homicidal in the same vein as his parent’s killer. Somehow this disaster spawned four equally terrible sequels. That’s Hollywood for you.
Christmas with the Kranks
Tim Allen’s character is looking to skip Christmas this year since his daughter went away for the holiday. Boycotting Christmas in the Krank’s neighborhood doesn’t go over very well with the locals though. Will the Kranks cave in and celebrate the holidays? You guessed right? They do. It’s not the worst Christmas movie ever made but it’s definitely bad enough to make this list.
Deck the Halls
Matthew Broderick’s character is the King of Christmas until Danny Devito’s character moves in. They duel it out over a bunch of craziness to have the best holiday decorations in town. Who will win? Who cares. It wasn’t worth our time, nor is it yours. Do yourself a favor and skip this one.
The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause
The original Santa Clause movie made JACK’s list of movies to watch this Christmas but The Santa Clause 3 movie is on that list of movies that should’ve never been made. In this film, Jack Frost takes over the North Pole for Santa and turns it into a tourist destination for rich people. Will Santa (Tim Allen) save the day? You don’t have to watch it. He does.
Fred (Vince Vaughn) and his brother Nicholas (Paul Giamatti) are polar opposites. When Fred is forced to spend some time at the North Pole and Santa out, will he destroy or save Christmas? And an evil Kevin Spacey character threatens to ruin the whole operation. It’s just not the role we want to see Vince Vaughn in.
Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon play the classic away from the family for the holidays role. The problem is the acting and the story line leave a lot to be desired. They must visit all 4 divorced parents houses after being snowed in at the airport and busted out on TV. Somehow they learn the true meaning of Christmas. How special right?
Home Alone 3 & 4
When none of the original cast or the original writing and directing team returns, there is usually a reason. The Home Alone Franchise should’ve ended in New York. And, sorry but the Macaulay Culkin replacements (different in 3 and 4) shouldn’t have made the cut.
Jack Frost (not the horror one)
It’s hard for us to see Michael Keaton as anything other than Batman, but as a reincarnated snowman given a 2nd chance to spend time with his kid? When everyone says they cried during this movie, it wasn’t because they liked it. It must be because they lost the remote and couldn’t get up off the couch to change the channel. Yikes!
From the title, you’d be hoping for a Christmas movie with some strong violence and gore but really it’s just dumb and boring. Like the YouTube commenter said “the only thing scary about this movie is Santa’s voice”. Well said.
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Martians kidnap Santa so that he will give presents to Martian children. This movie is so bad it puts Plan 9 from Outer Space to shame.